Time is money and money is time...

Or so the old addage goes...

As of late, I have been working a lot of overtime. I will go in at 3:00 pm and work, sometimes, all the way to 4:00 am... Sometimes even later...

Don't get me wrong here... I love my job... I am good at it most days... But, what am I sacraficing to make all of this money..?

Most of the time I am working my family is sleeping... On the other side of that coin, most of time I am sleeping my family is awake and doing other things... I don't like that very much...

I love my family very much...

I need help...

For me being a christian for as long as I have been, you would think it would be realtively simple to work through tough spots concerning my own spirituallity... One would think...

I would be able to let you know where to go to find the answers you would be looking for, however, I am a spiritual mess...

How do I know this...?

Though there have been some tradegies in my life over the past few months I just can't find my JOY... Everything in my life seems to be wrong... The only thing that seems to be right is my wife and my son...

Amy, I love dearly... Benjamin the same... But, I seem to take Amy for granted on a daily basis and find fault in a lot of things she does... I get angry and frustrated over little things...

I am not even sure what to do...

If someone where to tell me all of these things, this is what I would tell them:

It seems to be that there is a void in your life right now... A void that cannot be filled by work, money, things, addictions, family or anything you choose...

The only thing you can do to help that longing is to fill it with the bread of life... The thirst you have can only be quenched by the living water...

This may all be well and true... But, where do I start... I could pick up the Bible and read it, sure... But, where should I read...

Good question... I am not sure where to tell you... I guess a good start would be in the book of Phillipians or the book of James... Those seem to be favorites of mine and when I have gone through tough times, those seem to help...

Frank???

"If you want your children to be brilliant, tell them fairy tales. If you want them to be very brilliant, tell them even more fairy tales."

Albert Einstein

Are you weak or strong?

"Only the weak are cruel.Gentleness can only be expected
from the strong."

Leo Buscaglia

The CAPS is on SOMEONE...

I recently had a friend remind of a all important concept...

Consult God, our Father, in everything we do...

Nothing else needs to be said...

"I want to be a Doctor"

Raising kids, some have said, to be the hardest job you will ever love... I find that to be true, so far... As my son is not quite two and half years old...

But, I find my self in a quandary... Am I to shape him into what I want for him or let him make his own decisions... I know, I know... He probably doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up yet (or does he?)

Sure, I would love for him to be a doctor... They make a nice living... He would, hopefully, never have to worry about some of the things I have to worry about... Not that money is everything...

A couple of weeks ago, my mother in law was very sad about something and she was crying... Without prompting, Benjamin went over to her and said plain as day, "It's alright, granny, don't be sad, I will be a doctor and help you... Don't cry..."

Does he want to be a doctor on his own accord, or is it from the prompting of his teachers..? Amy and I...

I guess we won't know for another 20 years or so...

When does ART become priceless?

Some time ago, I realized that a piece of art (paiting, sculpture, etc) doesn't amount to much until after the creator of that particular piece has bit the dust... and for sometime...

Take for instance a Monet... Even though he may have been commisioned by the King of England or France for that matter... The people of his time may have thought he was no more than a hack with a pallate and a brush... I can't speak for them but bare with me here... But, ten, twenty or fifty years after he died, he might have been the greatest painter that had ever lived... why?

Take the Beetles... Take John Lennon... Take whomever you want that died (that was famous) and ask their contemporaries and you might find conflicting opionions from back then until now...

I say all of that to say this:

I guess it is the same for immediate loved ones... My dad was a know it all, didn't have enough money to pay for his own funeral...

We under-appreciate people while they are still with us... Instead of just loving on people and telling them how much we love and appreciate them being a part of our lives we find a way to argue and minipulate...

Is it pride in us? I don't know...

Just one thing...

I don't want to complain about my life... But there has been a lot of sadness in my immediate family for the past few years... A death in a family is never an easy thing... Some come as quick and unexpected as a strike of lightning... Some come after a long wait of watching someone you love suffer for a long, long time...

Today, this evening, my mother-in-law, whom I love like a natural mother, cleared the room out execept for me...

"It was time for heart to heart" she said...



I went over and knelt by her proped up hospital bed, which has been a permenant fixture in their living room for a coulple of months now grabbed her hand and waited while she collected her thoughts...

In the moments after she started telling me Just one thing...

How I have been a wonderful son in law...

How I needed to put up with just a little shit...

How I needed to help around the house just a little bit more...

How I needed to take care of her precious daughter and grandson...

All of the things she told me were not revelations... that is to say, I knew all of those things (not to brag about being a wonderful son in law)... But it was almost like I was hearing them for the first time...

Since that conversation I have come away with a couple of questions of my own...

1. Why, if we have something important to say, do we sometimes wait until we are on our death beds to say it?

2. Why does the person who hears those precious words of advice take them more to heart or want to do whatever it is they have to say...

I know I am a schmuck... I know I can be a pain in the ass sometimes... Now, I want to be a better person because of the Just one thing she had to say to me...

A Fish For The Ages...

My dad and I shared a special hobby... Fly Fishing... This season for trout (2005) has essentially come and gone (It is now 7/21). This was the first trout season since my dad is no longer with us in his mortal body. He passed on April 4th of 2005.

My dad and I spent a lot of time fishing together after I became an adult. Fishing for us was more of a reason to get together and spend some time together than about catching (and sometimes not catching) some nice trout. This past season was difficult at best... So I went anyway.

One of the hottest weekends of the summer it was... In the 90's everyday... I made the trek northward to the old familiar waters of the manistee river where I had spent many nights (and days) in search of the one that always seem to get away... On the way up it was very hot... Very HOT... My old 1995 S Series truck did not have air conditioning... By the time I got to where was going I was drenched in sweat and a bit dehydrated...

On my was back to the CCC campground I envisioned being secluded for the week... Just me, my fly rod, a campfire and some cold, adult beverages... When I got to the campground it was teaming with people... There was a mix of fly fishermen, worm dunkers and rednecks... There was not a campsite to be found... What was a guy to do, 400 miles from home with no place to stay for 4 days... I found a place away from the river a few miles and pulled off of the road and camped there... Lucky for me someone had already made a makeshift fire pit... Good thing for me because the nights got down to a chilly 85 degrees...

The first night of fishing, I met up with a good friend of mine from home... His brother was also there... We didn't catch anything of size that first night... Not many bugs to speak of... When I speak of bugs I am talking about the Giant Michigan May Fly... The hexagenia limbata... Or in Fly Fishing speak... "THE HEX"... The hex hatch is essentially the super bowl of fly fishing... The night before I arrived the hatch was legendary according to some of the guys I talked with...

"It was like a quilt of giant insects floating down the river..." Said one of the guys...

I was thinking to myself, having been in that situation before... We are not going to catch anything tonight... And we did not...

After having a couple of those adult beverages, I headed back to my camper... It was about 2:00 am... When I woke up the following morning... Rather early afternoon, I promptly had some OJ and headed back over to Jon and Eric's... When I got there they were just rolling out of their racks as well... After our morning coffee, we made a large breakfast and got our gear together and headed out for a long day of fishing...

As we floated down in our individual trout water crafts (float tubes) fishing away, I had to stop fishing for a while and just admire the beauty that God had placed before me... Not long after I had that thought, a yearling deer walked out into the river about 25 yards in front of me... I was not fishing at that point... and my partners were quite a bit behind me... I managed to stop without startlingly the deer... It stopped for a quick, cold drink and then crossed the rest of the river and meandered into the thick cypress trees... What a sight... A small grin came across my face and I continued down the river...

After a few hours of fishing, I decided to pull my tube to the side of the river and wait for the other two... It was well past afternoon but still hours to go before the main event... The hex hatch doesn't happen at least until dark, sometimes much later... I pulled out some rations (beef jerky and sunflower seeds) and ate them while I waited... Much to my surprise I stopped about 100 yards from where we were to fish for the night, for the hatch...

When Jon got there, we talked for a bit and then sat in silence... We talked some more and then sat some more... We were just waiting for something to happen... A small hatch of Cahill's came off just before dark and some small fish were feeding... We had already tied on our hex's for the night fishing so we really didn't even bother...

About midnight, pitch dark, no moon light to speak of, we started hearing some larger fish start to feed... If you have never been fly fishing, a small fish makes a nice splash when it comes up to feed... A medium fish makes a really big splash... and a really big fish doesn't make much of splash at all... it slurps the bug off of the top of the water... a special sound to a fisherman...

I heard a slurp so I decided to go investigate with rod in hand... I made a couple of casts to it and it made a couple of strong (big splashes) refusals... Usually when that happens you can count on not catching that fish or at least coming back to it after you wait a while... I was persistent... So, I made a couple more casts... Then I hooked it... My rod immediately bent way over... It was on and I could tell it was a nice fish... I yelled to my partners, " I got a nice one here..." The were not impressed... I still couldn't see the fish for a few minutes... When I the fish was finally at my feet I looked down and the elation I felt soon left me... It was a nice sized brown trout, 15 inches or so, but nothing to write about... The reason it felt so big was because on his approach, he refused again, just a bit to late... He hooked himself in the underbelly... So, when he was coming in, he was fighting fine, but he was also coming in sideways... It was like pulling a canoe in sideways... A nice fishm but a bit disappointing... At that point Eric came floating by...

I untangled my line and waited for another fish to start feeding... about 20 minutes later (now about 1:30 am) I heard it... An unmistakable large fish slurp... I was a bit upstream from me... In some unfamiliar water... It is a bit unnerving to wade in chest high water walking up stream when all you can see is silhouettes... I eventually got into what I deemed a safe place to fish and I made my first offering... The fish took it... Again my rod bent like it never has... And the reel shreeked... It was taking line like a ski boat pulls the tow line... At first I thought to myself, this is probably another foul hook... I would hate to be disappointed again... When I finally got this one in, I was not disappointed at all... One of the largest trout I have ever caught... Maybe the largest... I am normally a catch and release guy... I love fly fishing so much, I want there to be enough fish for my son to enjoy catching as well... But this one I had to keep... I had to take it back for some pictures (pictures to come on the site)... Well, it was going to be dinner for the three of us as well...

I was done fishing for the night... What a surreal experience... Floating down the river with a beautiful brown trout in one hand a semi-cold beer in the other... A moment I will not soon forget... I couldn't help to think of dad on that 45 minute float back to where we were to get out of the river for the night... How much he would have enjoyed watching me catch that fish... Dad was the best fisherman I knew... He would always make the right cast and with the right bug... But, more than anything, he loved to watch his kids succeed in what they did... Whether it be fishing, hunting or work or family... He loved to live...

He also loved to eat... That night for dinner we had bbq trout, lamb chops and beans... We had a nice salad of greens and fresh veggies as well as a nice bottle of wine... Dad would have loved it...!